Battering and stalking cannot be well covered in a few paragraphs. Here are a few tips that can give you a chance to recognize and avoid potentially dangerous situations. If you do not see it coming, you will be a victim!

Batterers and stalkers are pathological - they seek power and control. This is not the same as an innocent crush or just an annoying infatuation. This is serious business. If the abuser cannot gain or maintain the desired power and control, his or her actions may become unpredictable, inappropriate and even violent. This is NOT love, period!

Batterers and stalkers are usually men, but can also be women; decent men can be victims of female stalkers and abusers, too. More often, though, a decent man becomes a victim by being married to, or involved with, a woman who is being stalked or battered by another man. As the decent man tries to protect the woman, he may put himself in grave danger and not even know it. Remember the Julia Roberts vehicle "Sleeping With the Enemy?"

If you are the target of a stalker, you may or may not know the person. He or she may simply be someone that you have spoken to casually. If you are already being stalked you must take serious measures to protect yourself and others. Abusers may try to get at you by hurting others in your life including children, the elderly and animals. The chances of getting out without being harmed are far better in the very early stages of a relationship or stalking situation.

Restraining orders are niceties, if the abuser pays attention to orders. But if that person is already an abuser, does it sensibly follow that he or she will obey that order?

Women are most often murdered by someone they know -- and a woman involved romantically with a batterer is at a much greater risk of being killed when she tries to leave or resolve the situation than when she is just going along. This also applies, to a less common degree, with non-romantic affiliations such as professional and working relationships. Again, the abuser may be a man or a woman. As same sex couples become more tolerated in society, partner abuse is becoming more visible. Sexual orientation does not relieve problems of abuse. And women can stalk and batter women. This happened to a lesbian friend. People are basically the same all over.

Often, the story of an abusive relationship follows a familiar storyline. The abuser, at first, seems to be a great person, romantic, charming and attentive. However, it often, in hindsight, seems that the abuser is too good, too romantic, too charming, too attentive. This can be a winning formula, certainly - winning the trust of a victim-to-be. Under the surface, the abuser can be getting very emotionally involved before it would be normal to do so. Unaware, the soon-to-be-abused can become deeply entangled with a nightmare.

As an abusive relationship advances, the abused is likely to become increasingly isolated, more and more cut off from friends, coworkers, family and other associations. The abused may be forced to quit work, withdraw from civic, social or religious groups. Soon, even every day chores like grocery shopping may require the abuser's escort. Telephone conversations, if permitted at all, may be monitored. Automobile mileage may be recorded. Detailed itineraries may be demanded. Accountings will be given. As the abused becomes walled away, the abuser perceives himself as more powerful and in control.

Unfortunately, the abused often bears some culpability. She makes excuses for his behavior, not wanting to recognize that the one she loved and has pinned her future hopes on is mean, cruel, controlling and potentially violent. The abused may have become involved at an emotionally vulnerable time in life. She may have ignored warning signs as they appeared and rationalized his behavior, because he has become her only emotional and, usually, financial security.

If challenged, the abuser's personality defects become magnified. A pathology of blame and rationalization center on the abused. All the wrongs, the constant unfairness, the cruel inequities suffered over long years suddenly focus with intense clarity upon that person. Together this creates an extremely dangerous condition for an abused person, particularly the moment he or she decides to leave. Power and control, established perhaps over years, are threatened. This, thinks the abuser, will not be allowed to happen. Final escape may be difficult, and even deadly. At best, it will be an emotionally wrenching event, one from which you will take a long time to recover.

Obviously, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some potential warning signs that this person is not someone you want to be involved with. Understand that no one or two issues means that there is necessarily a real problem. Just be aware. I use the pronoun "he" for simplicity::

• He may be too intense too soon in me relationship.
• He may tell you intimate stories about himself too early in the relationship.
• He may be very persistent too quick. He may want a commitment, living together or marriage too quickly. In other words - he seems to be falling in love way too quickly.
• He talks about the relationship going on forever - always - for life - no matter what.
• He may appear overly nice, too generous, too charming.
• He tries to get the woman dependent on him and isolate her from friends.
• He dislikes his mother.
• He wants to occupy all of the woman's time. Always know where she is and what she is doing.
• He may try to enlist the woman's friends or family too keep the relationship going - and at first be very charming to friends and family.
• Weapons are a major part of his life - part of his power image.
• He may speak of women coworkers in a derogatory manner. (Does he ever talk about any women with respect?)
• He can use money (giving or withholding) as a means of control.
• He blames other people in his life for his failures or lack of success.
• He feels that normal social rules do not apply to him.
• When you try to pin him down, he rationalizes his behavior and always has good excuses why something happened.
• Even if he appears to take the blame for something, he has lots of excuses why it happened and his behavior only changes for a short time.

You will notice that one characteristic is weapons being part of his power image. This does not mean that just anyone who owns a weapon has a problem. Most gun and other weapon owners are normal people. However, when you combine weapons with the strong even overwhelming need for power and control, you have something to worry about and be aware of. You are already skating on thin and dangerous ice if you recognize any of these signs in someone you are dating. If this person becomes abusive as the relationship progresses, weapons add a major dimension of danger.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a stalker to follow the object of obsession from state to state.

The moral of all this is - if you have a funny feeling - there is probably a damn good reason you do! Pay attention - the person you save will be yourself.

Stay alert - Stay alive!